Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in takeholdx's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, May 21st, 2006
10:26 pm	Dear Matthew, thanks for all you gave, it is more than we asked for. You gave us your broken body in exchange for understanding, we took your tears and gained hope. You will never fall from our skies or our thoughts, but it is hard to replace you in our hearts. You were a castle with too many windows, a fortress to high to scale. Such a strong strong heart, such a strong man. Against you I am found inconsistent, but you taught me not to walk in shadows. Can't compare to you Matthew. Love Bryan (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 18th, 2006
5:11 pm	I read an article today about the 1200 children that have lost their father or mother because of the war. Pictures of children at grave sides and stories of how they are growing up without a parent in their life. I wonder how that changes the lives of those people reading. At first I thought about how horrible it was, because there is no defined cause for the war, and surely no defined plan for the end. Bush is on the television talking about border disputes, interviews with SUV’s and barbed wire gates in the background, and his cabinet is doing everything they can to shift the focus from Iraq to the borders of Texas and Arizona. Where is the middle ground of focus and support. What do we put our efforts into? I guess I feel lost there. 60 years ago there were over 7 million refugees and immigrants from Europe and Asia displaced throughout America. The same Aristocratic groups and super conservative law makers were against the movement to let them in. There was talk about closing our borders, turning them away. But the reality of it is that those immigrants from 60 years ago are now our grandparents and aunts and uncles. I have family from Ireland and France that made their homes in Rhode Island and Canada. So what happens if we shut down now, close the borders, make America exclusive? Will we be the free people that we claim to be? America is a land of promise and poverty, depending on your social class, but none the less we are free. I read for a while last night through the memoirs of John Adams that he sent to his wife Abigail during the American Revolution. They sustained their love from the day they met until the day he died. They spanned through two wars, two continents, a revolution, and thousands of miles. The heart and fire that burned in Adam’s for the cause of freedom from Britain, did also burn in his heart for his wife and children. He applied himself in everything he did, and did not fall victim to compromise or past. That is a good model. But the foundation of it all was the fact that he saw his wife as a gift from God; he cherished that and her, each letter he sealed with a prayer. Amen. I am in Cuba, and it is going to take a long time for me to sort out how I feel about it. Men come here and they bring their families; a woman said today that she hates her life here, and she meant it, because her eyes did not lie. On another note, the new Snow Patrol is great, and Neko Case did quite well for herself. Soccer starts in 30 minutes. We are playing the local team. I hope to grow wings or gain sweet kicking skills in the next 30 minutes, then I will be viable in the game, not just a guy running fast after a ball. This could be bad. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 15th, 2006
5:20 am	conversations with my grandfather conversations with my grandfather: Grandfather: Oh bryan, good to hear from you, it has been raining here at home for the past ten days, all my damn soil is floating away down into the field, but the bees are doing well. Bryan: Wow, anything else going on at home? Grandfather: Everything is slow here, it gets that way when you get older, you even piss slower. Bryan enjoy your youth while you have it, cause it is a bitch when it is missing. Bryan: Umm, I mean I think I am doing a good job at it. I went swimming in the middle of the ocean today. It freaks me out each time. Grandfather: I'm happy to hear that none of those goddamn sharks ate you. You laugh but it happens down near Australia all the time. Those damn surfers, sons of bitches get eaten by sharks. Bryan: Well I am near Jamaica, no sharks down here. Grandfather: Bullshit, they're everywhere Bryan. Be careful, you and your father think you are super heroes or something, always chasing fish in the water. I would stay on that boat. Bryan: Ok thanks Pepere. Grandfather: I'm going to get going, watch yourself Bryan, we need you here to cut down some trees in July. ***After this conversation, my grandmother told me that my grandfather had just taken nyquil and was almost delerious. Amazing! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 12th, 2006
9:45 pm	.you could be a x-ray machine, cause I swear you see right through me. two bags of bones broken and talking about people we know in common amongst other things, you and me, a hospital of sleep only things on these broken bodies are ours forever. we bonded over broken bones, who has broke skin, broke bones in two places and who has hurt the most we bonded over broken bones. i write twice a day. two different places. these are the things that seem irrelevant. basbeballs over the green monster, man stands up to cheer and spills his beer on the guy next to him. My grandfather flies the Canadian flag on the pole on the hill that overlooks the basketball i dreamt about when I was young. i cannot stop dreaming, waking, and then falling back into the living dream, but it is missing characters and characteristics. i wish my fingers moved across a guitar half as fast as my thoughts would have them, i would be a better man. stop and breathe cause there is only a week and a half left. I hope those 11 pounds I lost does not contain the part of me you love the most. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 11th, 2006
11:39 pm	dreams from the day: beaches and white towels, holding on in the water. the floor of the apartment, no clothes on the carpet, laid and played guitar, same song. canoe on the roof in the old escort, driving to the pond, paddles in the backseat, we had no beaches back then, just enough heart to get out. you are what this means to me. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 10th, 2006
11:14 pm	A kid I never knew from that town next to the one I grew up in, died in Afganistan yesterday. What type of sacrifice have we made today? I would rather spend a lifetime in the military, then see my friends and family go to war. I that kids' wife knows that people actually care about what he did. I may not understand or support the war that Bush started, but I am thankful for the 2500 that died and the over 20,000 that have been wounded. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
2:27 am	head hurts, no sleep. head hunter, job market is bad, but you got skills kid. adam, doesn't answer calls, but no one is as bad as me. prayer, so much, living up to faith, applying it, trusting it, sorry I have not been on track. Start today. if this was winter, it would be pertinent, "to the sound of the driving snow, that drives me home to you." forgetting so much at 23, and remembering being 8. more magazine covers when I get back. won the lomography contest. hoping for a holga friend soon. the box is packed and waiting at my house. (Comment on this)
2:27 am	head hurts, no sleep. head hunter, job market is bad, but you got skills kid. adam, doesn't answer calls, but no one is as bad as me. prayer, so much, living up to faith, applying it, trusting it, sorry I have not been on track. Start today. if this was winter, it would be pertinent, "to the sound of the driving snow, that drives me home to you." forgetting so much at 23, and remembering being 8. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 8th, 2006
7:10 pm	30 i have now been awake for more than about 30 hours. I keep bobbing my head back and forth and saying ridiculous stuff, and no one can challenge it, because I am still working. I will be awake until tomorrow morning at 11:00am, then I will pass out for a better part of the day. I read the entire book of Joshua today; God empowered him to lead his people through battle and through the desert. God's promises came true, and he still proves himself right today. So sleep silently and slumber, rest your head, for you are beautiful among the stars numbered at the edge of heaven. but please do not sleep forever. I just want to be honest like the seasons. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 7th, 2006
1:11 am	Rubber Legs How I will drink from that stream How my will heart sing your praise How I will lay down in green grass field Rejoice. Read tonight and talked with my father about all the reasons he held onto my sister and I through the years. I think for a while at least, he had faith in Christ. He taught me what it means to be strong, and when I call him, like tonight, he reminds me that there is more to hold onto than this moment. His actual words were "Just breathe and swallow, stand up and hold on." I think he got that from a movie. He had to fight with tears and strength for 6 years to get my sister and I; to watch us grow up and laugh and then leave as adults. I talked to my mother tonight. My grandmother is dying. But my grandmother does not want me home, she does not want me to see her sick. My mother said she remembered how much it hurt me when I saw my grandfather die. I was 12, I have lost more than that since, but she still will not have me. I wonder what to do there? Disobey her? How blessed we are, even in trials and dying seasons. It is sometimes hard to say that, but there are people out there hurting from much harder things that I struggle with. So there is hope and reason to carry on. "i remember little town and the big white house with the burgundy door the lawn shaped like a boot and the boy who liked pretending that the island in the middle was a shore, time is a clock ticking, it stops my heart to think of it, i remember the magic in your eyes, i'd stare at them and you'd say the silliest things like "Bryan you'll be a strong man" and "Jessica i love you monstrously" and it's my favorite time of year, how i wish that you were here to watch the lights blink on the tree, give thanks to god for everything, and lay down all my fears and it's too late to call you on the phone and tell you that your boy is all alone tonight but i will never forget how you taught me to stand on these rubber legs and fight." (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 6th, 2006
11:18 pm	i keep buying things on Amazon.com, the stuff, it is not all for me, but there are button making kits and more silk screens coming, All of us have bikes now, Jess will be back with Dan, and we can all ride. Get that skull reading to toot. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 5th, 2006
8:53 pm	slept a little, ran a lot, i am up to 300 situps (i will make an abs of steel video), work from 7pm to 7am now, one email changed my mood i'm glad I got up for it. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 4th, 2006
11:12 pm	long day. good friends and not my family. good advice. still standing, I am still strong and know what it is to be weak. going to make it through. got years. got God. (Comment on this)
8:50 am	(Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006
8:08 pm	I am back to civilization...and this is how the story goes. Kevin and I gathered out things which included: a knife, granola bars, water, a lighter, cameras, and an apple. We walked 4 miles through the streets of St.Kitts. The graveyard with the broken down church and goats grazing on the graves, the children in white cotton dresses and green ties at school, and the flock of 1000 white birds sitting on the side of the road. We had no clue as to where the mountain started, we just walked towards it and turned up a long steep road. All the homes had beautiful flowers in their front yards and vicious looking huge dogs behind gates. We made it to the top of the road with a house in shambles and a nice kept lawn. The man with the weedwacker and missing teeth shook my hand, told me his name was Vincent Joseph and wished us good luck up the mountain. We made it past the brush and low grass and got lost in tall vines and sugar cane. We walked for about 30 minutes and we started to get lost, the path was gone, and we had no clue where we were. Then we got scared. Not from being lost. Naw, Kevin and I have been lost in the desert and in the ocean just swimming. We were scared, because off in the distance we heard women screaming and crying and men yelling at them. There was rustling in the coconut trees that turned out to be a monkey and a mongoose fighting over bird eggs. We thought to keep going on, but turned back around..Our one knife and collection of cameras was not going to keep us safe there. We walked all the way backl down the mountain without making it to the top. waved at the man with the weedwacker and missing teeth; we wanted the beach. Back through the town and to the coast line. We sat on the beach and swam to the cave, I put my hand on a sea urchin and bled, i thought Jaws would come after me. Layed down after applying 10 layers of sunscreen and listened to the Format as I slept. The pictures came out good, and we were offered more weed from the rasta's sitting underneath the tree on the beach. I learned the island Jah Handshake. real island bro's can hang with it. My legs are cut to shreds, my head hurts, and I just would like to be home. I got back and got the email. I'm sorry, maybe I will call my father and have him handle the people at the medical insurance agency. He has a tribal tattoo, he will know how to make things work. I called the sister today. This may not seem like a big deal, it is just a phone call. But this is the one person who I am most nervous about talking to, she cuts to the bone...I dialed the number, and waited...no answer..let out a sigh of relief...but then wait, there is a voicemail...oh shit!...I did the voicemail 3 times!!!!! So lame. haha...the great mystery. My father is having me take him on a fishing trip for his birthday. I am apparently paying him back for all the gifts I never got, and helping rent a boat for a day. seriously dad, that's ridiculous. (Comment on this)
8:22 am	spf 15 my post sunburn tan is so ridiculous that it was commented upon yesterday. I sat by a pool at the Marriot in St.Kitts. Snuck by security guards and just layed there. I have discovered that 15spf is the answer to all my worries. It will not keep me white like 45, but it will not let me burn burn burn. The Ipod still exists on my stomach, just as a dark tan. I got offered pot 4 times yesterday. It is one thing to get offered to smoke by a friend...but it is a totally different experience to have a guy that looks like Bob Marely to offer you weed. three times...same guy, and once by a woman who looked like an island Oprah. I am a bad gambler, enough said, I am even bad at slot machines...who is bad at slot machines? The volcano climb starts in about an hour. I have been up since 5:30 working and painting things with children that are suffering from severe autism. They were beautiful and forgotten. Their country just leaves them in these homes, the paint is chipping off the wall, they sleep in beds with torn sheets and stains. There is one teacher/nurse for 25 children. No medicine or hope. Treated like shadows. And this is paradise to others. We painted their rooms, and they dropped paint on us. ha. I read last night about the fishermen who walked out of their boat by faith, leaving their father behind and everything they knew and lived for. I have read the story 100 times before, and each time it amazes me. Give me time, and I will step out of this boat, my boat. The high point of my day yesterday was my brief conversation with Adam about seeing DRAGONFORCE live!!!!!!! Yes, they came to the Worcester Palladium. I have been telling people about how ridiculous they are for about 4 years...And Adam is the first to see them. They came out with the introduction "The Fucking Fastest Band in the World." Herman Lee had a shred feast, there were keyboard metal solo's and the vocals were arched with the echo of the crowd. Sonic Firestorm. My life would have been complete then in all musical aspects..haha..But I have to keep waiting...someone seriously please find me a bootleg version of their live show please...I would love you forever. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 1st, 2006
3:40 pm	embracing yesterday, I swam in water that was 19,000 feet deep. everything was salty, and the sun was so bright. I swam downward until my lungs had no more air, then shot back to the surface. It was terrifying. Wednesday Kevin and I are going to scuba dive in an underwater cave and then horse back ride through a rain forrest. That is no joke...I am turning into a Hardy Boy. Maybe I will find some ancient culture and come back looking like the Sean Connery in the Medicine Man. Adam is coming down 3 days before I come back to Norfolk..He is not the best at planning things out...I have not seen him in 5 months and that is crazy to me. The longest Adam and I had gone without seeing eachother in a 5 year span was 3 days...then I joined the Navy, and we are closer now than before. But I still wish he was in Virginia, misguiding children in a classroom setting and helping me get into a mess that I have to work us both out of. examples of this would include: driving 85 in the breakdown lane, driving in a blizzard of 4 feet of snow to pick up a pizza and movie, scuba diving for my fathers fishing rod in a pond, drinking room temprature PBR in the basement of a frat house with wizzo..our teeth turned yellow from the black light..then there was the entire euro-trash phase of life. But he has always been my best friend. amen. I read a lot from my book today, tonight I will battle demons of my past. My father turns 44 on wednesday, and he told me last night that he was scared about it, I hope he gets an awesome mid-life crisis. Like jet skiing...a lot....or maybe salsa dancing, my father could be on Dancing with the Celebrities. Back to work, and embracing time and distance. on a sad note, Josh Mason leaves right when I get home.....bummer. And we are letting Mike Jones go free. (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 29th, 2006
5:54 pm	the big breath sick and tired of being sick and tired. waking up with a cough and now it is a headache, feet hurt and my eyes feel like they have not blinked in months. salt water sea spray is getting to my head, and the people don't stop talking here. mail came today, but it is still sitting in these big bags, it is taunting me, cause all I want is something to read tonight. I am not doing well today. But it's only saturday and although the countdown is below 30, the days pass to friggin slow. slow down bryan, think of something good. AHHH deep breathe. I will enjoy a bike ride with girl with the skeleton bicycle. In Him, we have redemption through his Blood, the forgiveness of our tresspasses, according to the riches of His grace. (EPH 1:7) Now exhale.... (Comment on this)
6:22 am	Kevin and I wrote music for 7 hours and finally finished a song around 1. I like Kevin much more as a good friend that I did when he was my roommate, this way I do not have to deal with the damn rats and the smell of an uncleaned apartment. Now I just worry about stepping on bike parts, and I am cool with that. A whole day with no words, not liking it, but understanding why. It is going to be ok. No, it is going to be something more than that. I had a dream with Dan in it last night. His beard was huge, and he was smoking cigars on his front porch, and then he told me that he was going to have a kid. The best part is this----He named it after me! I don't remember much more about that dream, but it was awesome. haha. Summer is coming. We wrote about the beach and we have progressed to 2000 miles. Jon Upton I do miss you bro. I sent you some postcards. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 28th, 2006
5:14 pm	Worcester 1982. birth. Bryan Michael Hamel. Son.cousin.grandson.godson.oldest.first.brown eyes.golden child. Life. Red tiled kitchen floor. Green grass. Chickens with eggs. Young mother young father. The bottle. The burden. Oceans. Silver haired grandparents. Second floor apartment. Strawberries in the emergency room. Center of attention still. Rice crispy. Rice square school. Baseball star. Oxford to Worcester. Worcester to oxford. Oxford to conneticuit. Oxford to Chicago. Chicago to Norfolk. Sponge monsters. Riding bikes. hooks in the bass. Blue days and green nights. Apple trees. Brush fire. Blizzards taller than my wits. Caskets where dreams die. Monkey bars. Testifying with tears. The church. The fear. The Mullaney Brothers. Losing matt. Growing up quick. Learning to lie. Recess. Wall ball. Cartoons. Suits to school. Roller coasters. Lunch lines and cartons of milk. High school. The pirates. Popularity vs academics. Bad suits. Braces. Head gear. Best friends. Family reunion. Summer camp. Bands in vans. Shaved head. Afternoon sun. swimming. 5 dollar Friday nights. Losing my voice. Losing my friends. Skinny legs and knobby knees. Canoes. Disney times 3. 3 jobs. We painted all day. Brooklyn break ups. Train rides home. Cross country. Hot tents. Tattoos. Bad tattoos. Canadian adventures. Losing the feeling of being young. Young mother young father. Jesus and the adaptation. Romania. The fleas. The sunflower field. Running down the mountain. Boots camping ground. The water. Chicago. My town. Learning to feel lost. Caskets where dreams die. I wandered. The rebel south. The houses of brick. This is where I live. The rebirth of hope. Bikes rebuilt. Beards and bros and brahs and bed times. Full of concern. Blue eyes. Smiling. Promises. Patience or the act of gaining them. Deer heads. Instant film walls being held up by memories. Rotating roommates. Empty oceans. Coming home is a goal. (Comment on this)